Wishes

We all make wishes. Every human being on earth will have made a wish at some point in their lives. Sadly, wishes become a way of expressing our want for something but not necessarily our need. Things like I wish I had a new car when the car you’re driving still drives perfectly. I wish I had a bigger house when the house you already have is big enough and adequate for your needs, you get the idea. No, the best wishes are the ones from the heart, the ones that express our heartfelt desires.
I’ve been thinking a lot about your multitude of wishes Neve and my biggest regret is that you couldn’t have all your wishes come true. You’d often say you wished you had your own pony, I wish that too, would it have made you stay? You would say you wished you lived in Wales, I remember one holiday when you were about fifteen driving around looking for a cottage you’d found on Rightmove and were insisting on seeing, you thought if we saw it we’d be packing up and moving to Anglesey straight away! The cottage wasn’t significant to you and it looked like it was on the verge of collapse but it had acres of land, stable blocks and a manège! If only that wish had come true, I wonder how different life might be right now, would you still be here?
I’m sure you had a million other wishes too, ones that involved friends and things that were just personal to you. Wishes you’ll never be able to share with me or your friends ever again and because you left we won’t ever know the outcome of those wishes. 

I thought we had the happiest, loving family. A happy home, so I don’t believe for a second it was your wish to leave. The depression and anxiety that took hold so quickly led to your tragic demise and I don’t think you would have ever thought “I wish I was dead” because with death comes nothing. Yes, you thought it would end the pain but now there’s just a void of nothingness and the hurt transferred to us.

I wish I’d held you a little bit tighter on the night you told me you were a bit anxious. Tight enough to fix all your broken pieces back together, tight enough to make you remember the girl you were in October 2017 when you told me suicide wasn’t the answer to anyone’s problems.

I wish I could see you smiling happily at the camera with someone who loves you and wants to take care of you. I wish I could see you laughing and joking with your friends, waving goodbye at the airport, off on your first holiday. I wish I could have seen your face when Askham Bryan rang to say you’d been accepted onto the Bsc equine science course that you’d been so excited about.
I wish I’d never heard you say the words “I wish I was normal”. I wish people thought about their words and actions before they spat out their poison and caused heartache that takes over like a cancer smothering any glimmer of happiness or hope.

Sadly these wishes will never be granted, you're gone and there’s no undoing that fact, but I will continue to wish.
I will wish for a society that takes care of each other with kindness, understanding and empathy. I wish for people to speak up if they don’t feel right and I wish for them to say how bloody hard and scary it is in the knowledge they’ll be understood and helped, not ridiculed and ignored and I wish no family has to go through our heartache ever again.
I will continue to throw wishes into the night and wait for the stars to catch and grant them.

Miss you beyond the stars Nevey,

Mum x