Laughter

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As each day passes it gets harder and harder to remember your laughter. I remember your face with ease as I can see it in the hundreds of photographs I have of you, but your voice and laugh, well, thats harder. I have videos but somehow seeing you move and dance and laugh and talk, so alive, makes your absence hurt so much more and some days the sting of those tears that the videos inevitably bring are far too razor sharp to bear. 
You were so funny Neve, I miss that. You were so sarcastic but never in a cruel or hurtful way, just quick witted. A sarcastic comment would be followed with that infectious laugh of yours. 
You had a real knack of being able to mimic accents too, from your take on who lives in a house like this in the voice of Keith Lemon to I want to blow up the world in the voice of Gru. We miss you doing Zac’s voice too, sadly, he has been left incapable of speech since you left.
I remember our road trips with you in charge of the music, singing along, changing the lyrics and laughing. That laugh was infectious and so many times we’d be laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down our faces and it would be the silliest thing that would have set it all off.
Laughter doesn’t come easily these days and when it does its a strange sensation, like a light being switched on when you’ve been in the dark for too long, or the first sip of water on a hot, dry day and you’re parched. I suppose you could say its a kind of relief. Relief that I’m not totally and utterly broken and I can still find things that make me smile, however fleetingly.
I’ve found that laughter also disturbs the feelings that are always there waiting. The feelings I have to keep pushed down, telling them to be quiet to enable me to carry on with my life without you. The guilt is always first at the post, waiting to be set free to run amok in my mind. Guilt that you're no longer here, guilt I couldn’t stop it happening, guilt because I’ve laughed at something and you’re not here to laugh too. Then along comes anger. Anger seems to be the strongest emotion at times. Mostly I’m angry at you for leaving, angry you didn’t tell the right people how bad it had all got. Anger and guilt take hold of each other and begin their dance, making my head spin. The door opens for sadness to enter and as she stretches her arms out wide, all the other emotions lean in for her embrace because they know their time is fleeting but sadness, she is eternal.
You chose to end your life Neve but never thought about the lives of all those people that loved you and miss you still and we do miss you, we miss every atom of your being, and particularly that laugh.

Miss you beyond the stars Nevey

Love Mum

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