Infinite what ifs

There are no happy endings. Endings are by far the saddest part of being human. With endings comes grief. Although grief is not a bad thing, grief is love and it helps us heal. If you allow yourself time to grieve properly you can emerge from the grief fog a better person than before with more empathy and understanding for your fellow humans.
However, suicide grief is relentless with its infinite what ifs and if only’s Neve.
It’s like a thick, heavy, cloying perfume that descended and stuck to our very being as soon as we knew you’d gone.
Initially it was like it had anaesthetic properties and made us numb allowing us to deal with all the things your death threw at us. After a while the shock anaesthesia of the grief perfume wore off and we were left broken, overwhelmingly sad shells of our former selves. The mum who on many occasions had to pull the car over because your silly jokes had me crying with laughter now pulls over just because the uncontrollable tears won’t stop.
It hardly ever fades, its just there, a sickening stench. With time we've grown accustomed to it, we don’t like it but we’ve realised we have to put up with it because it will never leave, no matter how many things we try to get rid of it or try to mask it, its just there.
Sometimes I’ll awake to a feeling of it having faded just a little and the sick feeling I have constantly in the pit of my stomach is relieved just a little and these are the moments I cling to, those moments where I can remember you with a smile on my face because that’s how you should be remembered. You were the best daughter any mum could ever wish for.
I’ve gone back to work now Neve and I think back to years gone by when you’d beg me to let you come into school and help out.
You helped out last year, just weeks before you chose to leave us. Again, the disbelief and infinite what ifs start.

Miss you beyond the stars Nevey girl

Mum x