Memories

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Looking back on our lives before the horror of that hot Saturday afternoon in August last year is almost like watching a well loved film. I see the characters, I sense the love they all have for each other. I hear the arguments and the laughter. I see the smiles, the tears, the mundane, the pride and the joy of being part of such a loving family. It’s all there and my memory allows me to rewind and keep watching my favourite parts over and over again. When you left, the film came to an abrupt end. It was as if you, the scriptwriter, decided enough was enough, lets end it here.
We entered our new lives very different people to those I remember. Of course we look the same and talk the same but our lives have been forever altered by that one tragic act and our memories are so important now as they link us to that old life, the one where you were in it and had the starring role.
Since you left I’ve found comfort in looking at photos of our time together. All the christmases we shared as a family, the holidays, birthdays, the first day of school days, even meal times, messy or not. I documented them all and I’m so pleased that I did.
When I got your phone back the first thing I did was look at your photos. There were lots of selfies on there and screenshots of sad quotes, a testament to your state of mind I suppose. I’ve scanned every selfie again and again just so I can look into your eyes to see if I can spot the troubled soul that lay within but sadly you even lied to your phone, on some you look sad but you never give away the true extent of your sadness and torment.
I try to keep the happy memories at the forefront of my brain but at times the sad memories rear their ugly heads and I’m whisked back to that day of terror and shock and that’s when it becomes so hard to do anything, even breathe. So I suppose the photos and memories are both a curse and a blessing, at times they bring me such comfort and help me remember the amazing person you were but they can also shoot me one hundred miles per hour down the darkest of tunnels on this roller coaster ride called grief. 

Miss you beyond the stars Nevey

Love Mum x

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