21

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What of the 21 year old you? Would your hair still be long, would your love and passion for horses still be there? Would you still love a cuddle and say love you when we were saying goodnight. Would your eyes still light up at the thought of a McD’s?
The house is so quiet without you and I’m forever troubled by the realisation of how painfully and excruciatingly loud that silence can be. Some days it’s a constant hum but on those days that your absence becomes a raw, gaping wound again well that silence reaches such a volume it makes the headache and the tears last all day and that constant lump in my throat that never really leaves seems to grow, making my breath shallow and arduous. On those days I have to succumb to the pain and tolerate that deafening silence in the knowledge that tomorrow might not be as bad.  
Your birthday is here once again, our third without you but this one seems so much more significant. 21 is a milestone, just like your 18th was. I’ve made you 21 hearts because I thought you’d appreciate that. I’ll leave some in your favourite places, I think you’d have liked the mystery of finding a heart and wondering what the story behind it was.
You should have stayed Neve, you see once you reached 18 I dared to dream of the adult you, I dared to dream of you settled and happy, I dared to dream of silly things like my first grandchild.
I dared to dream.
I don’t do that now because I know how fragile life is, how quickly those dreams evaporate into the mist of despair. 
I bet you’d have loved 21. I imagine you silly and sarcastic still, a force to be reckoned with. I used to say you were like a tornado. I imagine the goofball you being even goofier. Even more beautiful. 
So in honour of the 21 years you should have been here, these are the 21 reasons why you should have stayed.
  1. Your bedroom is still the same, Think about all those duvet sets you could have bought over the past three years. 
  2. Would you even be at home still? Your pride at owning your first home. 
  3. Lucifer and Chloe finally kissed, I know you’d have loved that.
  4. Zac is 10, the big 1, 0 as you said when you turned 10. He misses you and has forgotten how to behave properly since you left.
  5. The setting sun on grasshopper beach. You could have been driving yourself there now. Imagine sitting on your favourite beach with your favourite people watching a beautiful sunset. 
  6. Getting older and realising your soft heart isn’t something to be ashamed of but rather something others should be envious of.
  7. To experience something, anything, that takes your breath away and makes you think wow I’m so lucky to be alive.
  8. To realise life isn’t all rainbows, unicorns and happiness and to make those happy days seem so much more significant you have to experience some really shitty, horrible dark days. 
  9. To try something other than chicken nuggets at McD’s. 
  10. To get in a car and just drive, a road trip is good for the soul. 
  11. Watching your brother grow into this amazing young man. 
  12. Sitting by a pool, drinking a cocktail in a country where the heat wraps itself around you like a warm comforting blanket.
  13. New music, new bands or new music from your favourite bands. Just music. 
  14. Sticking up for yourself and not letting anyone make you feel like shit.
  15. Meeting your soul mate and realising that first one wasn’t meant to be the one you’d spend the rest of your life with and how silly you’d been mourning the loss of him.
  16. Realising your best friend is a soul mate and always has your back. 
  17. Cake. Enough said. 
  18. Creating something beautiful 
  19. Walking in the snow, your cheeks glowing with the cold, your fingers tingling, burning almost. Thoughts in your head of that hot chocolate when you get back to the warmth of home.
  20. Holding your own child for the first time. 
  21. Seeing all your friends and loved ones grow old, happy, content and totally oblivious of the tragic life they’d have if you were no longer there.
So, there it is, today is no different to all the other days of missing you but today I can still feel the echoes of excitement from birthdays past, you’d have loved being 21. 
I hope there’s McD’s chicken nuggets and cake wherever your soul is now residing Neve and I hope you can send a little love for all of us that still miss you so very much every day.

Love you past the moon and miss you beyond the stars my beautiful girl. Happy heavenly birthday

Mum x

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