Mother’s Day

Another Mother’s Day without you. It’s hard avoiding all the happy posts, a bit like Christmas really. Another reminder you’re no longer here. Lots of beautiful memories of Mother’s Day past, the burnt toast and strong tea, the cuddles, the laughter. Calum gave me the biggest cuddle this morning, as though he felt he had to cuddle me just that bit longer for you too. 

Every day since you left I’ve felt like I don’t deserve the title of mother. How could I be a mother when you died. I know its the grief and the despair at losing you that makes me feel like this, but still, every day I have the same thought that if I’d been better at the job of ‘mother’ you’d still be here.

That’s the reality of suicide. Every person that truly loved you will have at some point wondered if they’d done something to upset you in those days leading to your death. Every conversation, every text will have been gone over in their heads thousands of times. I know I do. I wonder if I’d gotten ready quicker and gone shopping with you, perhaps you’d still be here. I wonder if we’d gone on that day trip we’d talked about, you’d still be here. What if we’d gone to Wales, would you still be here? What if I’d been a better mum, would you still be here? The grieving mind is vicious and relentless.

You left because you thought the world didn’t need you, but it did, it needed you so bloody much Neve. We needed you, your friends needed you. Lily and Zac needed you. 

Some days I like to imagine a life where those things that felt so enormous when you were here are the only things we have to worry about. I wish you were worrying about that job, your driving test, or whether to go on that date. I wish we were normal and I wish with all my heart that I could see you roll your eyes and smirk at that last statement. I miss you so much beautiful girl. 

Love you past the moon and miss you beyond the stars Nevey,

Mum x