Your legacy

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Some days are just hard. Some months are even harder. I used to love August, the promise of a summer holiday spent with the people I loved more than anything in the world, lazy days spent walking Zac and spending time in the garden. Day trips to the coast and holidays to Anglesey. Chauffeuring you to the stables and back. Our shopping trips, you begging to go to McDonald’s. Every. Single. Time!
At the end of the school holidays there’d be a moment of anxiety or panic even, butterflies, telling us six weeks had passed and we’d done nothing, or so we thought back then. We didn’t know we were making such beautiful sweet memories, even on the days we hardly left the house. 
I look at our lives now and August has become such a sad, bleak month. The anxious build up to the day you left and then the long, arduous stretch to the day your body was turned to ash. You can see why its bleak. You can understand why I dislike it so much.
The triggers are everywhere. The warm days reminding me of that hot August day when you left. The rainy days reflecting my tears and sadness. Thankfully, the pain of losing you does lessen from time to time. Last year and the year before it was a pain so severe, so sharp and excruciating I honestly thought I would never recover or escape from its unyielding grip. This year its dulled into a pain not dissimilar to that of a toothache, a dull ache, there all the time and sometimes if you bite down too hard it jolts you back to that excruciating pain of two years ago, but for the majority of the time its just a slight throb which I can cope with.
Today marks two years since we said our final goodbyes. The day went by in a bit of a blur, my mind still numb from the shock (and the diazepam). But I remember the day filled with love, a beautiful service for a beautiful girl.
In life you found beauty in the little things, the ocean, the sun setting, pastel coloured highlighters, a new sketch book or writing pad, new bedding, reading, discovering new music and sharing it with everyone, Lilybobs (not so little), spending time with your friends, the way Zac would tilt his head when you spoke to him, or how he’d rest his head on your leg when he got fed up of waiting for food off your plate, you making him talk, cherry coke, McDonald’s chicken nuggets! 
You were never dramatic, you didn’t do grand gestures and fanfare, you were shy, funny, kind and caring and so very, very brave and you are hugely missed.
I suppose thats your legacy.
Gary Vaynerchuk wrote  “Please think about your legacy because you are writing it every day”
Your legacy is your beautiful, much too short life, a life lived with so much love and laughter, where you harmed no one, only tried to love, a legacy of kindness and beauty. You make me so very proud, every single day. You left a legacy of love and I will be forever grateful that I am your mum.

Love you past the moon, miss you beyond the stars Nevey

Mum x

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