A relevance of firsts

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So, just like that a year has gone. 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, all spent wondering what went wrong, why it happened. What causes an intelligent, beautiful young woman with hopes and dreams for her future to suddenly decide to throw in the towel. I have my theories but thats for another time because your story will be told Neve. I will make sure of it. If it stops this tragedy happening to another family then your story might just help and your death will not have been in vain.
As I entered your room on that hot summers afternoon I expected to find you in bed asleep with your headphones on. You’d not been sleeping all that well and I naively thought your mood swings were being contributed to by that lack of sleep.
Did you see the sheer terror on my face Neve, did you see me struggling to help you? Did you hear my screams, did you see your brothers face with its look of horror and disbelief. Did you see and feel your dad and I giving you CPR for what felt like hours before the emergency services arrived. Did you see all those strangers in your bedroom desperately trying to bring you back to a family that loved you so vey much. Did you see the look of sheer devastation on the emergency doctors face when he had to say, I’m so sorry, your daughter is dead.
Did you see the CID officers meticulously going through your belongings looking for evidence. Did you see the cold and heartless CID officer thrust your half hearted note and your new phone in my face and without any empathy say, can you confirm this is your daughters phone. Is this your daughters handwriting. Did you see them callously put them in an evidence bag right in front of me. Did you see me finally breakdown Neve because I couldn’t explain what had happened any more than the next person. Did you see me fall asleep sobbing on the sofa in a medicated diazepam haze only to wake up an hour or so later to face the nightmare all over again.
Did you see us a few weeks later as we visited your cold lifeless body at the chapel of rest. Did you see your dad carefully place the beautiful rose he’d lovingly picked for you into your inanimate hands. Did you feel us kissing your cold forehead and saying our final, choked, sad goodbyes.
Did you see everyone at your funeral Neve, the church and crematorium were full of people, young and old, people who loved you and were truly shocked by your death. Did you see how upset all your friends were, the disbelief and sadness written forever on their faces, shocked that you of all people would do such a thing.
Did you see me fetch your ashes home from the funeral directors, cradling them in my arms, carefully placing them in your bedroom as if you were home once again. Did you see me break down screaming and sobbing on your bed that still smelled of you.
Did you see us attempt the first Christmas without you. A time you loved. Did you see the place your dad set for you at the table. Did you see my despair as all I could see was an empty chair, just another reminder of the tragedy of losing you.
Did you see how overwhelmingly sad we were on New Year’s Eve as we entered into a new year that you will never exist in, a year that should have seen you turning 19. Did you see our first Easter without you, the shops irritatingly filled with Hersheys Easter eggs, your favourite.
Did you see me at sunrise on grasshopper beach, listening to the waves and begging, pleading, for a sign from you as it was your birthday, the first without you. Did you see my excitement when the butterfly crossed my path. Did you see the video your best friend made for you and how much she still misses you.
So Neve. Do you see? Do you see the heartache and the devastation left behind. All those firsts without you and sadly because of you. Our lives and those that loved you tragically altered forever.
Today is the first anniversary of you leaving. Do you see us crying Neve, cloaked in our overwhelming sadness, even after all this time.

Love you past the moon and miss you beyond the stars my beautiful girl

Mum x

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