Shame

Shame is one of the emotions thats surfaces from time to time. I’m not ashamed of what you did Neve, far from it, you held on for as long as you could, trying your hardest to help us grieve for another much loved family member that we lost just before you.
No, I could never be ashamed of you, you are the bravest person I know. Depression is a killer and the deep, dark depression that manifests itself to create suicidal ideation must have been so very frightening and painful for you and it breaks my heart when I think of how you spent your final moments on earth battling those demons and feeling so alone.
No I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed that I thought as a family we were untouchable to such tragedy. I’m ashamed that I never even considered suicide to be an option. Ashamed of my naivety.
But you see, you were sensible and kind, thoughtful and good so why would I? I remember you coming home from college and telling me how a girl in the year below had died by suicide, you were shocked and sad and you said the words, “there’s an answer to every problem isn’t there mum, suicides not the answer” so why would I ever think you’d do the same. Ten months later our world crashed and stopped turning and when it finally restarted we re-entered through a door labelled grief, altered somehow and placed within a much darker world called new normal.
I’m ashamed that I couldn’t help you, ashamed I didn’t know how serious it was. I’d been concerned about you for a few weeks but I naively thought you were just down, your relationship had ended, as had college. I was hoping you’d feel better once your A level results were out of the way. Hindsight rears its ugly head again making the shame in my head scream ‘you should have asked her if she was suicidal’ but, I only know this now, I wouldn’t have even thought to mention suicide. Hindsight sucks Neve.
The night before you left I came into your room to say goodnight, you were asleep in your bed, I was just about to leave and you woke up and laughed saying you’d fallen asleep reading your book. In that moment you looked so content and happy, you’d spent the day at the stables making plans with the girls down there for a sleepover and more fundays. I had no reason to believe that only 16 hours later you’d be gone. So my naivety makes me ashamed Neve but I’m not ashamed to share our story. I hope it inspires others to look at their loved ones a little bit closer and ask the question and not to be naive like me, thinking their family is invincible to such tragedy.
Miss you beyond the stars Nevey
Mum x